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I’m sad we are leaving. Last swim in the ocean and we start our 6hrs trip back to city.
“Steph did I gain weight within the last few days?” I feel like I’m getting obsessed again. Obsessed that maybe I’m too fat and getting fatter with every single thing I eat.
“You are skin and bones Bezuna! Don’t you have better things to think about?” says Steph.
„I guess I don’t…”
Always, simply always there is something I have to get obsessed about. If not about men then about my body. It’s like my brain needs to keep busy by going over and over again some shit, some depressive thoughts, analyzing. And as soon as I run out of one obsession another one begins!
Steph who is literally half my size never ever had that problem. Because it’s not really about what you look like but what you feel like, what perception of yourself you have in your own head. I’m fully aware of it but it doesn’t make me feel any better, prettier or more self confident and I’m sick of myself. I feel sentenced to my thinking! I know I’m slender if not skinny. I know it would probably suit me if gained weight. I know it, I know! But still i feel FAT and ugly and there I nothing I can do about it and this is why I call it obsession. I just don’t know which obsession is easier to bear for me: men and the fact that there is nobody out there who loves me, or my fear that I’m getting fat!
I am originally from Czech. I am 26 and very single now. I created this diary to get some relief. I hope spelling it all out will help me go through it.
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