Tuesday, 21st October

October 21, 2008 9:36 pm

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On my way to pick up my sister from the airport I go to see Fadi coz he really wanted to see me.

We sit in his room and he shows me pictures from the party and apologizes for his silly drunken Italian friend. He asks why I’m so sad. I didn’t think it was so obvious!

”Happens to me sometimes…”

I can’t really tell him that when he was waiting for me to arrive at his party I was screwing and getting screwed (physically and mentally as it now shows!) by my ex. I feel like shit now. Everyone told me to stay away from Ali as he only messes with my head. My voice starts to tremble, words get stuck in my throat, my chin gets stiff as always when I try to stop myself from crying. One tear, second tear. I try to smile but the smile turns into an awkward grin.

”Oh… don’t cry Bezuna. Actually no, cry if you need to, no point holding it in. Crying brings relief.”

Fadi puts his hand on my knee, strokes and cuddles me gently. He thinks I cry because of work and stress.

He walks me to my car and we embrace.

“Wait.” I say and make it clear that I want to kiss “this is how I like it.”

I take charge. I kiss him gently on his lips, once twice, harder, longer, slower, deeper. I’m trying, I’m trying but he doesn’t feel it and is very mechanical, probably just nervous…

He’s a nice boy but kissing is not his strong point. I better leave him alone. It’s just not going to work.

I hope my sister will help me get through this whole mess.

I just applied for few jobs today I need a change and more money.